Sunday, April 17, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Conscientious Objector: Who is showing up?
Conscientious Objector: Who is showing up?: "Are you aware about Who is showing up when you are interacting or engaging with the universe and its actors? By WHO, I mean which version of..."
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Who is showing up?
Are you aware of Who is showing up when you are interacting or engaging with the universe and its actors? By WHO, I mean which version of yourself are you projecting to the people you engage with? I am one of those people who believe there is a public persona and a private persona. The only thing is the personas are made up of so many personalities – not in the multiple personality clinical disorder sense – but in the idea that we are constantly projecting a partial part of our true self, hence we show up in bits and pieces like a jigsaw puzzle. Then again, while it appears like many personalities it’s just one personality only showing a parts or bits and piece of itself!
The other day I was having a discussion with my niece and I was telling her that when you are in your thirties (which she is), all issues you had in your childhood with your parents, siblings, extended family, etc just surface to the top like a tea bag in water. The issues lie buried for years, then thirty something comes along and boom one day they just surface. If you do not deal with the unburied tea bags there and then, chance are you may end up getting estranged from your loved ones by the time you hit your 40s. Even worse, the unresolved issues will manifest in other ways, show up negatively in your relationships with your friends, husbands, boyfriends, kids, associations, etc. My niece laughed, said I was being dramatic and made it sound like these “unburied tea-bags” were more like body snatchers that gives one multiple personalities! To which I said definitely yes the personality is shaped by issues we experience from childhood life
As it happens, this conversation with my niece was like a déjà vu, because in the same week prior our conversation, I had gone out to a friend’s house for dinner. After a lovely evening of great food, wine and conversation most of the guests left and I found myself in the company of three interesting women around our host’s dining table at the stroke of midnight. That’s when the real deep intimate conversations usually begin. Other than the lady host, we really were strangers to each other. One of the ladies who happened to be the youngest of us around the table and in her mid thirties, just blurted out that she was avoiding her mother (not her biological mother, but the Aunt who had raised her from baby when her birth mother couldn’t). She intimated that while she felt guilty about avoiding her, she couldn’t help herself; she just felt she did not want to deal with her and had been avoiding her calls for weeks!
I knew instantly without really knowing the exact detail of her issues, as they were unnecessary, that she was going through the “buried tea-bags surfacing period” of her life! The tea bag(s) had come to the surface! They always do in your thirties whether you like it or not and when they get unburied the tea leaves are no longer contained in their nice thin casing, but are all gashing out in an uncontrollable floating mess all over your life!
I looked into her eyes, and I asked her why. At first she said she really did not have any explanation, other than that they were issues that she was dealing with and didn’t really feel like talking to HER. The way she said HER you knew these were issue about their mother/daughter relationship. Instead, I just said to her “Don’t be angry, it’s better to just confront it and deal with it now, rather than later. It will not be easy but it will be worthwhile.” She looked at me as if I had said a foreign language that she knew she did not understand yet was surprised that she did. She looked at me and asked what I meant? But in actuality the unsaid question from her eyes to mine was “How do I deal with it?” So I explained to her and the other two ladies at the table my own tea-bag liberation journey with my Mom and how when I got into my thirties, I had to do my own house cleaning with her in order for us to turn a new leaf. It took six long years. It was risky because it could have gone terribly wrong. But it got done! Today my Mom is my best friend forever and I love our mother/daughter relationship.
After I had shared my experience with the ladies, I turned to the young lady and reiterated that she needed to confront this with her own “substitute” mom instead of avoiding it. It was obvious she loved her. But she was angry on so many levels because she felt that her substitute mother had failed her in more ways than one and like a tea bag, all the issues and incidents where floating to the surface. When she shared with us the incidents of her pain, I understood. The woman who raised her and she called mother had denied her pain, her traumatic experiences, her reality, and the experiences that she had suppressed for years were not awake like a knives twisting in her back. The best thing she could do was deal with it and unless she dealt with it these knives would keep on twisting reminding her of her hurting girl child! And it was showing up in more ways than one. By 2am, the other ladies had also shared their mother/daughter stories and tensions. At the end of the evening I felt that in retrospect, my girl child issues with my Mon were so trivial and paled in comparison to their traumas! But still emotional pain, while relative, was still pain and it hurt regardless.
The best part of having the buried tea bags surface is to allow you to become self-conscious in knowing who is showing up! Who is showing up in public or private associations, in friendships, in relationships with love, money, self-worth, self image, etc. The personality is a versatile, multifaceted entity because of the way our life experiences and adventures has manifested in us into an interwoven unique personal quilt. As such one’s personality has an elephant syndrome – one part could show up to some people while another to others and yet another to others and before you know it they all know different parts of your rump but never the whole elephant! It’s just means they only know a bit of you and that’s a healthy thing. It’s only unhealthy when YOU, are not aware which part of yourself shows ups - when, why, how, or in what context. Then you create confusion with your unconscious piece personalities and wonder why loved ones and friends see you that way when you think you are actually projecting yourself a certain way!
Copyright @ April 7, 2011 by Dr. Tendai Ndoro (DocNdoro) – Founder, SLIPPA/Brighten The Corner Foundation; CEO EDCTrainers, LLC.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Conscientious Objector: NETWORKING: Success OR Are you working yourself in...
Conscientious Objector: NETWORKING: Success OR Are you working yourself in...: "Many small businesses these days are using networking as a business development strategy to either meeting potential strategic partners, fin..."
NETWORKING: Success OR Are you working yourself into a "Net"?
Many small businesses these days are using networking as a business development strategy to either meeting potential strategic partners, find sales leads and/or as a vehicle for advertising their businesses services and products. At the heart of networking is increasing your business revenues, building strategic alliances and lucrative relationships. Keep in mind that people do not do business with business cards, therefore networking offers an opportunity for business people to develop a rapport with each other and cultivate long term relationships and friendships.
Pamela Small, Founder & Publisher of Refresh & Renew magazine, Refresh & Renew e-newsletter and RefreshandRenew.com says that “Networking is essential and there are so many ways or types of networking – speed networking, singles networking, membership (exclusive or inclusive) networking, business industry or activity oriented networking - however the first thing to do is to find a networking forum or avenue that you feel comfortable with and that also suite your personality and business objectives”
Given that networking is so popular, and as a small business, have you asked yourself lately - Are you networking successfully? Or are you Working yourself into a "NET"? Intuitively we know what success means – Getting the sale, deal or eventually signing the contract! The ultimate success indicator of networking is – increased business revenues from the relationships you cultivate.
But networking can also become a “net” that you could find yourself tangled up in! You know you have worked your way into a net when you find yourself networking 80% of the time and getting Zero to at best 20% success results. Many clients I have talked to admitted that their periodic networking efforts have generally yielded little results in terms of increased business revenues and they don't know what they are doing wrong!
Another way to work yourself into a net is when you find yourself spending too much time networking and not working for your business that it begins to compromise the daily operations of the business – not to mention the financial cost you are incurring! You definitely know you are in a net when you can not follow up on those business cards that you have collected and watch them as they keep accumulating on your desk! Any one of these symptoms will certainly be a red flag to warn you that something is not working and your business is in trouble.
So how do you take control of the situation and/or increase your chances of success when a networking opportunity presents itself? From a preparation stand point, I suggest that you come up with a follow-up strategy before you even think of embarking on a networking business development campaign. In terms of presentation, have your marketing material in order and have a rotation system of what to take to which networking events, otherwise you would just end-up giving the same people the same material.
In order to achieve greater success while in a networking situation, keep in mind that networking is:
(a) Not about ‘hunting’ so leave your guns and the shark approach at home - its about farming – nurturing, patience and as certainly remembering to calibrate your approach based on the weather!
(b) Its not about making a transaction on the spot; but making a relationship that could lead to a transaction, so stop selling and start serving;
(c) Always keep in mind that people can read through your eyes what you are up to, so stop prejudging and judging people before you know them.
People choose to do business with people they like, and networking is about a leaving a lasting positive impression.” Cheryl B. Walker-Robertson, Certified Etiquette Consultant with Protocol says “There are fundamental dos and don’ts business people should keep in mind in order to maximize a networking opportunity or be successful at it. The Dos are: “(1) Have an objective for the number of people you will help at the networking event; (2) Network with those who stand alone at or near the food table or bar. They are easiest to talk to; (3) Listen attentively, after you have asked an open-ended questions, through your network, you may be able to meet their needs and could open doors for you too;(4) Plan to spend time after the meeting to talk with fellow business people; (5) Look for ways to develop your business relationships, such as inviting Someone to breakfast, lunch or your office.
On the other hand, the following are definitely DON’Ts: “(1) Don’t monopolize the conversation by talking mostly about you, your product or your service; (2) Don’t stay with those you came with or approach people you know already because you are nervous or intimidated to talk to those you don’t know; (3) Don’t rush into a conversation about what you can do, without clearly understanding the prospect’s problems. Remember: A prescription without diagnosis is malpractice. (4) Don’t be a card dropper, handing out your own business card to each person you come in contact with, quickly moving on to the next! Its bad etiquette to hand out your card and not ask for the other person’s card in return; (5) Don’t let the cell phone get in the way – not knowing or practicing good cell phone etiquette can be a deal breaker.
So next time you are networking, I hope you will remember these wise recommendations to avoid working yourself into the Networking NET. Good luck!
Originally published in 2005; then in May 2009 on FB. Copyright @ 2005 Dr. Tendai Ndoro (DocNdoro) – Founder, SLIPPA/Brighten the Corner Foundation; CEO EDCTrainers, LLC.
Pamela Small, Founder & Publisher of Refresh & Renew magazine, Refresh & Renew e-newsletter and RefreshandRenew.com says that “Networking is essential and there are so many ways or types of networking – speed networking, singles networking, membership (exclusive or inclusive) networking, business industry or activity oriented networking - however the first thing to do is to find a networking forum or avenue that you feel comfortable with and that also suite your personality and business objectives”
Given that networking is so popular, and as a small business, have you asked yourself lately - Are you networking successfully? Or are you Working yourself into a "NET"? Intuitively we know what success means – Getting the sale, deal or eventually signing the contract! The ultimate success indicator of networking is – increased business revenues from the relationships you cultivate.
But networking can also become a “net” that you could find yourself tangled up in! You know you have worked your way into a net when you find yourself networking 80% of the time and getting Zero to at best 20% success results. Many clients I have talked to admitted that their periodic networking efforts have generally yielded little results in terms of increased business revenues and they don't know what they are doing wrong!
Another way to work yourself into a net is when you find yourself spending too much time networking and not working for your business that it begins to compromise the daily operations of the business – not to mention the financial cost you are incurring! You definitely know you are in a net when you can not follow up on those business cards that you have collected and watch them as they keep accumulating on your desk! Any one of these symptoms will certainly be a red flag to warn you that something is not working and your business is in trouble.
So how do you take control of the situation and/or increase your chances of success when a networking opportunity presents itself? From a preparation stand point, I suggest that you come up with a follow-up strategy before you even think of embarking on a networking business development campaign. In terms of presentation, have your marketing material in order and have a rotation system of what to take to which networking events, otherwise you would just end-up giving the same people the same material.
In order to achieve greater success while in a networking situation, keep in mind that networking is:
(a) Not about ‘hunting’ so leave your guns and the shark approach at home - its about farming – nurturing, patience and as certainly remembering to calibrate your approach based on the weather!
(b) Its not about making a transaction on the spot; but making a relationship that could lead to a transaction, so stop selling and start serving;
(c) Always keep in mind that people can read through your eyes what you are up to, so stop prejudging and judging people before you know them.
People choose to do business with people they like, and networking is about a leaving a lasting positive impression.” Cheryl B. Walker-Robertson, Certified Etiquette Consultant with Protocol says “There are fundamental dos and don’ts business people should keep in mind in order to maximize a networking opportunity or be successful at it. The Dos are: “(1) Have an objective for the number of people you will help at the networking event; (2) Network with those who stand alone at or near the food table or bar. They are easiest to talk to; (3) Listen attentively, after you have asked an open-ended questions, through your network, you may be able to meet their needs and could open doors for you too;(4) Plan to spend time after the meeting to talk with fellow business people; (5) Look for ways to develop your business relationships, such as inviting Someone to breakfast, lunch or your office.
On the other hand, the following are definitely DON’Ts: “(1) Don’t monopolize the conversation by talking mostly about you, your product or your service; (2) Don’t stay with those you came with or approach people you know already because you are nervous or intimidated to talk to those you don’t know; (3) Don’t rush into a conversation about what you can do, without clearly understanding the prospect’s problems. Remember: A prescription without diagnosis is malpractice. (4) Don’t be a card dropper, handing out your own business card to each person you come in contact with, quickly moving on to the next! Its bad etiquette to hand out your card and not ask for the other person’s card in return; (5) Don’t let the cell phone get in the way – not knowing or practicing good cell phone etiquette can be a deal breaker.
So next time you are networking, I hope you will remember these wise recommendations to avoid working yourself into the Networking NET. Good luck!
Originally published in 2005; then in May 2009 on FB. Copyright @ 2005 Dr. Tendai Ndoro (DocNdoro) – Founder, SLIPPA/Brighten the Corner Foundation; CEO EDCTrainers, LLC.
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