"Emotional Infidelity" -To cheat or not to cheat!

Copyright @ August 29, 2010, Dr. Tendai Ndoro (DocNdoro) – Founder, SLIPPA/Brighten The Corner Foundation; CEO EDCTrainers, LLC

Would you leave your significant other for "emotional infidelity"?  Emotional infidelity being defined (by me) as unconsummated feelings for someone else other than the person you are committed to in a relationship). 

 I had a heated debate with my book club girlfriends yesterday and they unanimously said they would each leave their significant other for emotional infidelity!!! I was alone on this one and said I would keep the relationship ball rolling...even if he downright touched the forbidden fruit I may still not leave him!!! It was a riot.  They were just as disgusted with my position as much and the idea of their significant other "really" cheating! They wanted to know why I would tolerate that and what would really make me leave a relationship whether I invested 2 months or 20 years? I said if he abuses me or my children in any form he is an instant goner!!! As for the first part - why I would tolerate infidelity of any sort...I said a wise Ghanaian woman once sold me a beautiful dress with an African print called "A man is not a pillow!" When I asked her what it meant, she explained...the design was conceived by a woman and the idea behind it was a man is only yours when he is in your presence (metaphor for when he is within your sight)...but, (she continued) the moment he leaves your gate he can choose to be a public commodity! A woman's life is already complicated without the additional stress so you cannot spend your life trying to imprison his phallus!!! I laughed so hard and for years I was amused at the idea of it. However at the same time I saw the practical reality and raw logic of it. She also added a woman needs to have her own - meaning even if your man can provide everything; you need to always have your own (money, friends, etc...) hustle on the side because if he leaves you, you are still going to continue living your life somehow!!!

 I am a strong believer that relationships are based on compromise and not control! So from then on I always shared this perspective with both my female and male friends when we discuss their relationships.  The argument for fidelity is always if he or she is with me she owes me fidelity, and I always argue “your significant other doesn't owe you anything....if they are a non-cheater, its based on a negotiated (explicit or otherwise) mutual understanding of the relationships' terms of engagement! You can never control anyone....sooner or later they go rouge...they rebel...then what?

 So I always remind myself that my boyfriend is not a PILLOW! While it great to have a good PILLOW, I do not take it for granted that when I come back in the evening it will always be the same great pillow I had when it was new! There are no guarantees. So that’s why to leave of not to leave is not the point! As for emotional infidelity.....that’s the least of my worries given the scheme of things!!!

 So who would leave their significant other?

The Beauty of Aging.

Copyright @ 10/12010, Dr. Tendai Ndoro (DocNdoro) – Founder, SLIPPA/Brighten The Corner Foundation; CEO EDCTrainers, LLC

I was watching Oprah the other day and she was talking about the social pressure of staying young, and the beauty of aging. It got me thinking about an article I wrote before about my fears and vanity about aging. The articles were appropriately titled “Getting Old is a Rude Awakening” and I was defiant about the celebrated joys of getting old. I still am, but for a different reason. I just don’t like the liability that it brings. Like the time it takes to maintain ones looks more than ever. Don’t mention the struggle of my life – weight control. I used to think I was overweight; well I had not hit my forties! The struggle gets more vicious! I also realize I was not at all ‘fat” then, I was big boned. But when you come from a country where the average female height is 5’3” you are an Amazon when you are 5’9” have an hour-glass voluptuous curves and wear a size 11 shoe as a woman you are considered big!

Anyway Oprah’s show was on “Aging Beauty” and she had Actress and model Cybill Shepherd, Dynasty's Linda Evans and Desperate Housewives' Teri Hatcher talking about aging, beauty and the pressures they have felt to maintain their looks. As I watched I was thinking well they really don’t look that great, not as great as they looked in their prime time. Then Teri and Oprah mentioned how “WE”…that is - WOMEN are seduced into this trap of beauty, or having a certain look that defined what beauty is. I started thinking – who is seducing us into this trap? I concluded – US - the women. Cosmetic companies are just responding to market demands.

In my own experiences its always been other women who throw all these judgments about the standard of beauty and perpetuating this trap! For example, when I started wearing my hair in Locks, it was mostly women who had what I considered to be derogatory comments about my hair. “When are you going to get rid of that hair style” or “ I would never put locks in my hair, because I do not want to lose my femininity”  or if I dared suggest to someone complaining about their “nappy” hair that they could lock it, and I would get an exclamation reply “Hell no!” As if having locked hair would bring with it a curse or some kind of stigma. So now I just watch their skin break out from chemicalized weaves; going bald from hair relaxers and dyes or going around with a bad hair day that turned into permanent days, not to mention the  tired wigs that look like a hat on their heads !!! I must say some sisters look great in a wig, but I am not one of them. It either looks like I am wearing a hat or a mop! I just don’t have the facial bone structure for it. However, since my locks I don’t have problems with my hair - it’s all mine, natural long locks….other than the time it takes to dry or lock, I have no complains. No fears of having a weave coming undone or falling out, no expensive hair products to budget for; no hot head wraps in the day or at night. It’s a get up and go show!

The Real housewives series have since revealed that our Caucasian sisters also wear weaved extensions and wigs! Who knew!  We always thought it was all theirs. For years some black sisters have been trying to have their hair down to their backs, yet secretly walking around with the complex that they were trying to emulate concepts of white beauty. Well now we know some of it was all fake! Not to mention that poor Chris Rock got into some hot water for his black women expose in his documentary comedy “Good Hair”, 

I also discovered a long time ago that the back to basics classic skin products like Nivea moisturizing cream; Ponds cleanser; Ponds dry skin moisturizer and good old Vaseline are still as loyal to the skin as the day they came to market. Even a good amount of warm water drinking works from within. So I stopped buying all those “hope in jar” liars! I haven’t regretted my decision. But I must admit part of it is good genes - the women in my Mother’s family are ageless and live for long periods of time without changes to their appearance. I love that, that’s why I could go for ten years lying about  the same age and getting away with it. The funny thing was when I was in my teens I looked older than I was, but now I look younger than I really am! With energy to go with it I am still not telling my age.

Well do I think that aging has beauty? YES, but this is not defined by the way I look, but by the fact that I am more confident in my own skin. I have grown in self awareness, my spirituality and intuitiveness. I speak my mind, love myself more once I discovered that I am stronger than I thought;  that I am number one and this life is my stage so whatever I do I have to make sure I can live with myself. I express my attitude and don’t give a damn what someone else thinks (and in most cases some think I am insightful and evolved , on the other hand the cowards think I am arrogant or abrasive, but I have to be economical with my time, its running out). However, I am working on making peace with the imminence of death and dying. That’s something I have yet to wrap my mind around because finally I am at a place where all my choices are now mine; where my preparation is beginning to meet the opportunities in the universe and as such I realize I still have a lot to do.

Getting old is a rude awakening:

Copyright @ 6/4/2009, Dr. Tendai Ndoro (DocNdoro) – Founder, SLIPPA/Brighten The Corner Foundation; CEO EDCTrainers, LLC

Its 2:19am and I can’t sleep so I have to write this note, mostly to myself, but as a way of venting what’s eating me. Otherwise I will start yelling at the innocent.

I just realized I am in for a rude awakening with this thing called getting old. I admit I am very vein about age and oldness. For years I lied about my age (and still do depending on the circumstances), till my daughter could do the math and had the nerve to ask me” Mummy, how old are you really?" "You have been the same age for a while now, and I think at least a daughter should know how old her mummy is." I told her to mind her own business. But it hit me; I had been lying about my age for so long I had not celebrated all the years that went by. So now, I don't lie, I just refuse to say! And any conversations that bring up age, I do not participate in - period.

Truth be told, my looks belies my age...when I was 19 years I looked really mature for my age, but I think it was more in the mannerism...now I look like I am 19years. But truth be told, the secret is my body is reminding me every day that I have clocked some to still be in the teens. I hated the confusion of my 20s, and now love the full blown certainty of my 30s....which have yet to pass.

I used to be a jogger (not a runner), always been a field athlete actually (discus, shot-put, javelin only)...But the other day I went jogging after a very long while and almost killed myself doing 10 laps. By the time I was thru, my tendons hurt, my knee caps were cracking and could hardly get myself back home! I had definitely overdone it. There was an old couple in the park walking around the track field and they watch me with admiration as I zoomed by. We exchanged pleasantries and when the lady said it’s not easy… I chimed "just do it" and sprinted by. Well my 'just do it' almost JUST DID ME IN!!! Now I am humbled, I walk around the track field and have made peace with it.

I used to drive from NJ to Atlanta, no problem, the other day I was telling my cousin who wants me to visit her in NC, "Sorry, I can't even drive to DC". But I am a Mom so if I am to go anyway driving makes the most sense than flying or train or even bus. I don't really care for communal transportation with my kids, but I may have to adjust my preferences!

Please let’s not talk about bed time. I could go for 3 days no sleep and still be razor sharp and functional all that time. But now, even though I am still a semi-insomniac who can't go to bed till 1am, it’s hurting me big time. I wake up in the morning, half tired like I drank a pint of liquor and sore all over as if I have been doing aerobics. I am asking myself...”what happened to my energy?” I could have bottled it and made lots of cash or at least preserved it for now when I need it the most. Only the other day, friends and family who visited used to complain that they just get tired watching me manage my household. The energy was too much for them...I could wake up in the morning, prepare a 5 course breakfast for 10 people; get everyone ready for sight-seeing in the city; come back after 8hrs and prepare dinner and clean up my kitchen before I go to bed... Now, forget it...I have an orientation routine for visitors that come to my house - show you were the fridge, stove, pantry is and then give you the subway map and bus schedule to Manhattan and call it a day. You are on your own!!!!

As for weight control...well let me modify Winnie Mandela's phrase and just say, "Weight control has been the struggle of my life". If I had not struggled as much as I did when I was younger, I hate to imagine what or where I would be now. The struggle continues, but the investments of the past have paid off - otherwise, me and Shamu the whale would be in the same boat!!!

But, I am not going out like that. I am not prepared for this rude awakening. So when I figure it out and I have a plan for agelessness, I will keep you posted!!! In the meantime make sure to moisturize morning, afternoon, and night!

The Rainbow is in the Clouds.

Copyright @ May 2009, Dr. Tendai Ndoro (DocNdoro) – Founder, SLIPPA/Brighten The Corner Foundation; CEO EDCTrainers, LLC

For the last two days I have had the privilege to participate in the annual NJ Governor’s Conference on Women at Atlantic City Conversion Center. Thanks to my work with Rutgers, this is a privilege I have enjoyed since these conferences started 5 years ago. I usually use the opportunity to network and seek out women I want to come and be guest speakers at my Center’s business events. But this year for some reason I did not have the motivation to network nor did I even have a strategy of how to maximize my participation. Unbeknown to me, God had brought me to this event for a different purpose, because as it turns out this conference took the crown for several reasons – this year the conference had the biggest turn out of women, with a total of 2200 women from all walks of life and professions attending conference; but the greatest honor indeed was that Maya Angelou was our luncheon keynote speaker! WOW…..what a living experience. She is an awesome orator, story teller, a great spirit and she is witty, funny and hilarious all at once. Very few women impress me…but being there I felt the presence of a kindred ancestral spirit.

I took away a lot of lessons today. They were common sense, wise lessons that one already knows, but that still jolts you out of your mundane daily life reverie. I therefore want to share with you what I took away today.

The theme of her talk was “The Rainbow in my Clouds”. In essence she told us that the Rainbow is not in the sky with the sun and the moon, but actually its imbedded in the clouds because the clouds are much closer to us and come much frequently and that’s part of life.. She said it is such a blessing to be born a woman, but as women we have a lot of responsibilities, lots of burdens to bear. But there is also the beautiful rainbow in your clouds so “brag on the rainbow!”

She shared with us how when her parents divorced and she and her brother ended up staying with her grandmother she called Nana the biggest rainbow in her life…and she reminded us that every woman knows NANA, and we all have seen Nana, that woman who mentored you when you were growing up, that woman who loved you unconditionally, that woman who complimented you and made your day by telling you “That green surely looks great on you”; that woman who believed in you “Nana told me I would go far and all over the world as she braided my hair in the kitchen, and I have been all over the world”.

She shared how she was raped at 7 years old by her mother’s boyfriend when her father decided to take her and her brother to her mother, because her mother ‘was enjoying herself too much”, she was afraid to tell anyone because he had threatened to kill “someone” but she told her 9 year old brother who told the family then the man went to jail for one day and three days after he was released he found dead – kicked to death! She became mute and did not talk for years because she thought her voice had cause the man’s death. She and her brother were returned to their Nana who told her “They don’t know what they are talking about, don’t believe what they are saying you are stupid, I and God know you will talk when the time comes’ and she did. She told us “don’t call yourself, or others, and don’t let anyone else call you something that makes you feel less than what you are, less than a human being.

The best lesson of all she said “if you are on a road you don’t like, and you look back on that road where you have come from and you don’t like it – GET OFF THAT ROAD AND START YOURSELF A NEW PATH. Whining does nothing to the object of your displeasure, whining only let the Brute know there is a victim in the neighborhood!’

She read some of her unpublished poems (to be shared later). And she read poems by others. She introduced me to Edna St Vincent Millay. I share it with you.

Conscientious Objector

By Edna St. Vincent Millay

I shall die, but
that is all that I shall do for Death.
I hear him leading his horse out of the stall;
I hear the clatter on the barn-floor.
He is in haste; he has business in Cuba,
business in the Balkans, many calls to make this morning.
But I will not hold the bridle
while he clinches the girth.
And he may mount by himself:
I will not give him a leg up.

Though he flick my shoulders with his whip,
I will not tell him which way the fox ran.
With his hoof on my breast, I will not tell him where
the black boy hides in the swamp.
I shall die, but that is all that I shall do for Death;
I am not on his pay-roll.

I will not tell him the whereabout of my friends
nor of my enemies either.
Though he promise me much,
I will not map him the route to any man's door.
Am I a spy in the land of the living,
that I should deliver men to Death?
Brother, the password and the plans of our city
are safe with me; never through me Shall you be overcome.

What a day. Ms Angelou you inspired me today. God, you had me at the right place at the right time.
5/12/09

A desperate, yet decisive woman

By DocNdoro (@ Dec, 2010)

I was listening to Public Radio the other evening back in February and heard this poem being read.  I had missed the name of the author and emailed WNYC 93.7 to get the name and they sent it to me but of course I was solicited for a membership donation which I gave my standard charitable contribution of $25.00! Thus I became a member!

I thought it was quite hilarious as it really represented a desperate, yet decisive woman (housewife or otherwise) and all is fair in love and war! So I share it with you

_________________

What She Was Wearing  by Denver Butson

this is my suicide dress
she told him
I only wear it on days
when I'm afraid
I might kill myself
if I don't wear it

you've been wearing it
every day since we met
he said
and these are my arson gloves
so you don't set fire to something?
he asked
exactly
and this is my terrorism lipstick
my assault and battery eyeliner
my armed robbery boots

I'd like to undress you he said
but would that make me an accomplice?

and today she said I'm wearing
my infidelity underwear
so don't get any ideas
and she put on her nervous breakdown hat
and walked out the door

A Revolution Swallows its Leaders

@ February, 2010 By Dr. Tendai Ndoro (DocNdoro) – Founder, SLIPPA/EDCTrainers, LLC & Brighten The Corner Foundation

Introduction: 

A revolution swallows its leaders. This is the natural progression of socio-political dynamics. Its not their choice to be swallowed, but it’s a factor of time, trends and change. But they have options. These options are: Reinvention; Innovation and Diversification. Unless they are willing to reinvent themselves; innovate and diversify their ideas, their political platforms, their agenda, their worldviews, their values, beliefs, culture, geography and paradigms then being swallowed is inevitable. It’s a natural progression of human evolution. The natural progression of human evolution is the revolution, of which the momentum varies. Just because the momentum of evolution is slow does not mean its not a revolution. A revolution is either passive, active or aggressive or all of these things at the same time. Thus we are in a constant state of revolution as we evolve.

The nature and process of how leaders end up being swallowed could be peaceful or violent. It’s the choice of the leader and an aspect of the nature of momentum of the revolution or a determination of timing and an aspect of the internal and external constellation power – universal or local.

What does reinvent mean:

Reinventing means finding a new purpose for which to live for. This new purpose means reevaluating and redefining one’s mission and vision  at both an individual and institutional level. It also means being able to be agile and operate in real time, at a current level and tapping into what the universal energy needs and requires at the moment. Reinventing also means having a new language and a new vocabulary, different values, beliefs and cultural orientation. Its about redefining the narrative while at the same time answering to a different call, one which you as the leader create the platform for.

What does innovation mean:

Being innovative means finding new ways of doing things. Its an aspect of distribution process; strategic actions and paradigm shift from the mediocre modus operandi that may have already been institutionalized both in the leaders, the organizations, the community

And the internal and external institution that the leader interacts and interfaces with. Instead of competition, cooperate; instead of being contrarian find common ground; instead of using old propaganda appeals  have a paradigm shift…e.g. focusing on face as  the primary differentiator; take economics as the primary differentiator. For the most part many people regardless of their race share common experiences in parallel lanes! Merge these lane and bingo there is common ground.

What does diversification mean?

Diversifying is about finding new means  of access as well as exit..  Not only does it mean finding new resource and social capital and  capacities. It could mean appealing to both a new and old audience; regardless of class, race, ethnicity, geography, historical experiences. Diversification ties into both leadership reinvention and innovation.  whether they are tangible lime . Diversification requires a new institutional culture, value system, belief system as well as new language of narration and communication.

Conscientious Objector by Edna St. Vincent Millay

Conscientious Objector by Edna St. Vincent Millay

I shall die, but
that is all that I shall do for Death.
I hear him leading his horse out of the stall;
I hear the clatter on the barn-floor.
He is in haste; he has business in Cuba,
business in the Balkans, many calls to make this morning.
But I will not hold the bridle
while he clinches the girth.
And he may mount by himself:
I will not give him a leg up.

Though he flick my shoulders with his whip,
I will not tell him which way the fox ran.
With his hoof on my breast, I will not tell him where
the black boy hides in the swamp.
I shall die, but that is all that I shall do for Death;
I am not on his pay-roll.

I will not tell him the whereabout of my friends
nor of my enemies either.
Though he promise me much,
I will not map him the route to any man's door.
Am I a spy in the land of the living,
that I should deliver men to Death?
Brother, the password and the plans of our city
are safe with me; never through me Shall you be overcome